My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Is Oprah even human
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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