He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
