She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
