You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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