I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize