I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
