Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
