She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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