They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
