He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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