Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
