just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
