I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
