So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
