Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
