I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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