After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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