I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
