If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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