so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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