i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
