ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my shit smells like andre
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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