You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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