does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize