I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
