Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
