his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize