its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
