: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
