Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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