i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
