Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
