not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
did i walk over a car last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
