I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
