Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Barsexuality is the new black.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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