Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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