apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
