Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize