When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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