Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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