I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
