i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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