I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
