just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize