I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
