Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
