he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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