Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
