I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
