when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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