Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
