Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
