jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
