i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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