"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
