I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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