She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize