i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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