I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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