with your own penis?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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