Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
did i walk over a car last night?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
