i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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