would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize