Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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