you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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